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A is for Anguish

Today my daughter returned to her dad's house.  We have shared parenting for but a variety of reasons she now lives with him after 13+ years with me.  We spent a week together, and I insist on it being a week just like any other - with the exception of celebrating her birthday.  I know that I should be sitting here and concentrating on the wonderful week and time that we had together. We cooked and ate family dinners together. We took a morning for hair cuts and a lunch of her favorite things (sushi and stir fry). Last night we stayed up talking until late into the night. I helper her pack.  She said she loves that she can talk to me about anything. And, this morning I woke her for the last time until the summer break.

She sat on the couch with me and we hugged. Long, strong, solid hugs.  I tried to be strong.  I tried not to cry because I know it makes it harder for her.  Hearing those three little words before she leaves, "Mom, I love you," mean the world to me because as the mother of an almost grown teen, I don't get to hear them very often. 

Yet, the door closes and the plane flies away. When I return from the airport I will have her younger sisters say, "I don't understand why she has to go to a different school, why can't she just stay with us?" (We say it's school because they just haven't been able to understand that she has a different dad). They cry. They want their sister.  The dog slinks into a corner.  And I simply want to pull the covers over my head and cry as my heart breaks yet one more time, after one more visit. 

Like a homing pigeon she will be back. She always is, and this is home no matter where she lives or what school she goes to. My youngest daughter sits and hugs and hugs me. My middle daughter gets me my "Tigger" and says "Mommy it will be ok."  You know what she is right, but now for just a little while I'm going to cry and feel the pain and hopefully be a better mother and person for my experiences. At least, I hope so.

As she leaves, she says, "There you go again mom, you are always trying to find the silver lining."


Marie Anne April 2, 2011 at 8:52 AM  

I've experienced that anguish as well. It's not something you truly get over.

B's Mom April 2, 2011 at 12:02 PM  

This is heartbreaking. :(

rodney southern April 2, 2011 at 2:57 PM  

Fantastic Post Lisa. So glad you joined the challenge!

Brooke Lorren April 2, 2011 at 4:44 PM  

Oh how sad :-(. Summer isn't too far away.

Lyn Lomasi, April 2, 2011 at 4:52 PM  

This can't be easy, but it sounds like you are handling it well. I can only imagine.

KellySpies April 2, 2011 at 10:24 PM  

I know this feeling well. My son went to live with his dad when he was 16. Resisting the urge to fight the arrangement was the hardest thing I've ever done but it was good for him and that meant more to me. I did cry in the beginning. I still miss him when he's at his dad's but it has since gotten easier and I enjoy his company more when he's here. It's always sad but it does get easier to not cry. ;)

Love the blog by the way!

PK April 3, 2011 at 8:19 AM  

This brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing.

I’m blogging through the A to Z Challenge. You can read my blog “It’s a Sweet Trip” at

Holly Jahangiri April 3, 2011 at 3:19 PM  

I hope that your daughter learns, through you, how to find the silver linings in life. That may be one of your gifts to her.

Holly Jahangiri

It's All a Matter of Perspective

This year, it's personal - I'm now a "survivor." Please give to Relay for Life.

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